to my son
Jayden Thomas,

I have so much to say so please bear with me. It’s strange how life can twist and turn and your life-long fantasy of how things should be just drifts away with the next breeze that blows by. I wanted the perfect life for you. I wanted to be able to give you everything and anything you wanted. Your father and I both love you very much, although we may not have been the best parents so far, I promise you, I will be there for you always. I am so sorry the way things turned out, I always pictured having a little family in a nice home, and being able to take care of my only child. But life sometimes doesnt always turn out the way you want it too. Either way, we take what we have and we live the life were given. Life has given me you, and YOU are the biggest blessing in my life. What I do want you to know is that your father is not a bad person, he did some things that were not honest and right he is NOT a bad person, I will never keep you from having a relationship with him, I feel like thats your decision not mine. You’re young now, but you’ re strong and beautiful and perfect. One day, you’re going to grow up and you’ll think back on these times, and you’ll remember that I wasn't always around and I couldn't be with you the first few years, but I do hope you know that the times I spent away from you are the times I was growing to become a better parent to you. As you grow, there might be days you’re going to be angry with me for leaving you or for not giving you both a mom and a dad but and I want you to know that’s okay. It’s okay to be angry. I’m angry sometimes myself. Just promise me that when you are angry you talk to me and not keep it bottled in. I will never hide things from you and I will never lie to you. I know how it feels, I have been where you are and I am so sorry. I know you wont be able to understand this letter while your young but someday, I hope you will find some wisdom and value in what I am about to share with you. You are little now, but someday when you get older life with throw you disappoint, heartache, loneliness, struggles and pain into your path. Be happy that your not at that point yet, enjoy every minute of you childhood, because when you lose it you will want it back. I hope someday along your life I can help by sharing what I’ve learned, but take it with a grain of salt because your life may not be the same as mine and what worked for me may not work for you. Life can be harsh and cruel, there are some people that will enter into your life and not be very nice to you. they will tease you, back stab you, some might even try to hurt you, theres nothing you can to about it except to learn to be strong and deal with these people. Choose friends that will treat you like gold, love you for you and be kind to you. When you find friends like this, never ruin it, treasure them, love them, serve them, and be kind to them. Sometimes in life you will not get what you want. There will be times when you just want something so bad and life takes a turn and wont let you have it. This is another "Harsh" way of the world. Dont let this dissapointment of not getting what you want push you down. Push through it. Learn to accept dissapointment, and still persue your dreams no matter what the downfall is. Turn negatives into possitive, and your attitude in life will improve. You will learn that love isnt forever sometimes. You will have to face abandonment and heartbreak from the ones you trust and love. As your mother I hope to not see this happen to much. There is nothing you can do about it except, to move on with your life and heal from those wounds. Like they say what doesnt kill you, hurts..but makes you so much stronger in the end. But although you may suffer dont let it discourage you or make you build a wall. Let people in, let them love you, do thingsyou have never done, new expieriences, new people, new things. You might get your heart smashed and broken 15 times, but you might find the most gorgeous sweet amazing girl on the 16th time. Never shut yourself out from love, you may be missing out on the most wonderful woman out there, being in love will be the happiest times in youe life. DONT miss out on it.Like I said earlier, you may get beat down, teased or bullied by the people that you meet but after meeting all those losers and mean people
you will find a great, TRUE friend. If you close yourself off to people because of the hurt.. you will eventually miss out on great people that will be there for you through the hardest time of your life. They will also create some of the best times of your life. In life, You will fail at times but you cant let that, stop you from trying, you will miss out on the feeling of success, I heard once from someone that Failure is the stepping stone to sucess, hold to that. Dont let life become a compitition for you, I learned that the hard way. At different times in your life you will meet people who will push to be better than you in school, college and work, to them life is all about getting one step ahead and life is all one big compitition, the way they stay happy is to be better than everyone else. LIFE IS NOT A COMPITITION. If you spend your life trying to be better than other people, You will miss out. If there is anything you should live your life by it should be love, I know it sounds corny but live your life by the the rule of love. Love your LIFE, love your Wife, love you children, Love your parents, love your friends just love them all with all of your heart. Give them all they need, Never show cruility, never show disappointed, nor dissaproval, or coldness. Love and open yourself up to them. Love not only those people but love your neighbors, your co-workers, the strangers that pass you by on the street, offer them a smile, a hug, ask how you can serve them. Love your enemies, love ALL of them. They may have wronged you, and hurt you, but Jayden im telling you now LOVE THEM, it takes to much energy and consumes your life to not love them. Forgive them and forget them. Jayden, Most of all I want you to love yourself, love who you are and love all of you. People may critisize you and bring you down, but you have to pick yourself up off the ground and just love and believe in yourself. Never think you are dumb, never think you are not good enough, and never forget that you are an amazing person thats derserves to be loved in return. Learn to love who you are and be who you are. I love you VERY much, You are starting out on a crazy bumpy road to life, and although it will be hard it will all be worth it. Ill be with you ever step of the way. You are a blessing in my life and I am so happy god gave you to me.

Love,
Mommy

I miss you and I love you. In the seven months we knew each other, you became my family, more than my actual blood relatives could ever be. These past few weeks have been terrible without you. I have so much to tell you, so much to say to you from what goes on in my life in my hometown or with my parents or at work and I can't tell you. I can't say everything that I want to say. I pick and choose and most of all, I stifle what I really wanted to tell each of you as I savored the last time I knew I would see you for months--that I do actually, legitimately adore each and every one of you. I can't ever say it to your faces without sounding like a complete and utter sap, but just know that you've changed my life, that I will always remember you, that whatever children or grandchildren I end up having later in life will know your names. They will know every story and groan that I've told it a thousand times, and I know that these jokes we have will still make me laugh as hard as the day they first came into use.

Amazing

What can you do when your best isn't good and all that you touch tumbles down? Because my best intentions keep making a mess of things. I just want to fix it somehow.

I'm really really trying to give my family the benifit of the doubt when I feel like im not important to them, but it kind of seems like I have always been the outcast in my own family, of course I dont feel this way from my Mom and dad but I cant help to notice that my sister and brother really just dont want anything to do with me. Its painful and ive tried to make-up for my mistakes in the past but no matter what I do or day to them I can never change the way they think about me in the present. I guess after three years you just finally come to the conclusion nothing will be the way it should be and I will remain feeling heartbroken. I have a new family now, and im glad to be accepted into a family as wonderful as Aarons, his brothers and sister in laws are amazing and Excepting! MY relationship with my family will never be the same and I have learned not to get my hopes up on any mending in the future. Sad..but true.

I have a weakness for anything sweet! but luckily I have been going strong and eating the right things, in the morning I have been eating Egg whites with fruit, salds for lunch with a low cal Italian dressing and chicken at night! Aaron has been super motivated as well! A couple days ago I put up little notes to stay motivated around the house, the say things like, " I promise to myself to walk 15 minutes a day, I wont drink anything but water, I want to be a trophy wife etc etc." he said that seeing them makes him want to me a trophy husband too! Hes struggling with letting go of his cheese but he hasnt had any all day today! :-) im so happy I have such a supportive fiancee! My friends are great to keep motivated too! Everything else is great were just excited to get out and move into our new apartment. Aaron has been working so much lately I feel like time has gone by so slow! I'm on a break from school as of right now so I do have time to focous on my self and getting in shape and I feel like I can finally shed off this baby fat...its been three years! :-) ANyways, I need to go to bed I took like 4 nyuills and I still cant sleep im pretty sure thats not good! Welp, Goodnight!

Dear friend,

God, I miss you.
I miss our long talks about everything and nothing, and how I could tell you anything in the world and you would just think about it and give me one of your funny responses, no matter how weird it was.
It seems like it's been so long. I want to know.
How's work?
How is the girlfriend, daughter ?
It's so strange... we talk, and it's suddenly like it hasn't been any time at all, but then after that talk ends, we fall out of each other's lives completely, like we live in separate realities. I don't want that.
I want to be close again, and become a big part of your life like before.

Love,
Me

I Want To Forgive You, And I Want To Forget You.

Today, I came across this girls blog, She has inspired me to really just be done with being overweight. It needs to be done for me. I have been putting my wedding off and changing dates because im scared that I wont look the way I want on the day of my wedding. I have decided to help me track my weightless I will blog at least once a day and let it out. I feel that this could be a great support for myself and maybe other girls who may want to so the same.


Anyways you guys need to check this girl out she makes you motivated to lose weight!

http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/beforeandafter

Life is so unpredictable. Changes always come along, in big or small ways. I don't know what happened that this sudden change has turned my world upside down. I don't know exactly what it is, it just hit me, but there is something really special about you.

It might be all the things I see on the surface, the things that everyone notices and admires about you, qualities, capabilities and a wonderful smile obviously connected to a warm and loving heart; these things set you apart from everyone else. But it may also be the big things ... the person you really are that I hope to know more someday. And it might also be the little things ... the way we laugh together. If I ever figure out the magic that makes you so special, I'd probably find out that it's a combination of all these things. You are a rare combination of so many special things. You are really amazing.

Inside of me there is a place where my sweetest dreams reside, where my highest hopes are kept alive, where my deepest feelings are felt and where my favorite memories are safe and warm. I find that you're on my mind more often than any other thought. Sometimes I bring you there purposely just to make my day brighter. But more often, you surprise me and find your own ways into my thoughts. There are even times when I awaken, I realize that you've been a part of my dreams. Then during the day, when my imagination is free to run, it takes me into your arms and allows me to linger there knowing there's nothing I'd rather do. I know my thoughts are only reflecting the loving hopes of my heart because whenever they wander, they always take me to you.

Only the most special things in my world get to come inside my heart and stay. And now, I realize how deeply my life has been touched by you.

Aaron and I are so excited! We just found our new apartment! We move in June 14th! Finally a little nook of our own! Its a nice basement apartment and guess what?! it has teal walls! Thats match everything else I have! Im super excited. The only bad thing is that is does not have washer or dryer, but thats what Mom and Pop Welch are good for right down the street! :-). Im Excited to get out of south provo and get up by college students, I want to make some new friends. Anyways heres a couple pictures of our new place!

This week I decided to buy extensions and make them! They were super easy so anyone who has been thinking about getting some extensions definitely look into making your own. There are a couple sites I would recommend if you want to just buy the sets and clips but they do get pricey. HeadKandy has some beautiful ones made from real human hair and I know a couple people that have these and love them. But they are about 200 dollars and I dont have that much to spare on just hair! SO I went into sally's beauty supply this week and bough Sassy s 100% human hair..



So all in all after buying the hair, needle, thread and clips I left the store about 56.00 dollars less but considering how much a set pre made would be (200.00) I saved tons. It was pretty easy to sew the clips on and they were done in about an hour! I made the hair int three pieces some do four but it just depends on what kind of look you want to get from them. Here is the finished product!

HAHAHAHAHA, I just found this in one of my old posts on a different blog, I must have been super angry this day. IT was when I was pregnant so ahah emotions run wild

Okay, things I hate...
Let's see... besides not having any money...
(somewhat in no particular order.)
I hate when my TV program is interrupted to hear Bush ramble on about nothing, or his rambling in general...
I despise when people TYpE LyKE ThIS..no you dont look cool you look like a FCUKING DUMBASS!
'U' is a LETTER not a word. Go back to first grade.
I hate when people tell me I just wanna have my cake and eat it too.
Fuck off. It's my cake, I can do whatever I want with it.
I hate when people tell me it's always in the last place I look.
No shit it is.
I hate it when people apologize for no reason
I hate when people ask to borrow things, like a piece of paper...
I'm never going to get it back.
I hate salespeople, telemarketers,,weakness, stupidity, ignorance... WILLFUL ignorance, sexism, racism, the entire religious right, Baby daddys who dont support their children, men who think theyre better than women, I just hate religion in general, traffic and the whiny neighborhood activists who fuck up any attempt to alleviate traffic, terrorists, feminists, fundamentalists, McDonald's drive- thru ,airlines,whiny emofaggots, Hilary Duff and oh god... Lillix, bombing for peace, hypocrites, those people who just HAVE to pull out in front of you and just to go really REALLY slow, UPS Teamsters, networks [FOX!] who won't keep a show in the same time slot for any amount of time then cancel it because it can't find an audience, vegetarians who wear leather, MTV and that Kennedy bitch, instructions on shampoo bottles, DJs who keep talking when the song is playing, car alarms.. especially the voice alarms..'Protected by Viper, stand back!'. 'What? Screw you!. destructive graffiti [tagging], getting the message 'where are you?' for no apparent reason, recovering addicts who think the world OWES them "understanding" for what started as a CONSCIOUS DECISION on their part, DESPITE the MILLIONS of warnings....
You know what... I just hate people.
I love everything else.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again. "

there's one thing that is worse than backstabbers...the ones that are STILL jealous of you even AFTER they backstab you. That's one of my pet peeves, it's like, 'Damn! Get over yourself!' Just get rid of all stupid people. Bottom line. I've realized that quitting the whole dealing with stupid people minimizes the drama that goes on in my life. And I love it! :) Gives me more time to spend on people that are worth every minute in life...friends like Adrienne :-) I hope the stupid shit ends for you ( like you "reputation") because I know that you deserve nothing less than the best. You're one of the best people in the world to talk to when i'm feeling low. :) I treasure you! So umm...that means you're my Favorriitee bestest friend EVER! ;) I love you and don't listen to stupid people that know jack shit about NOTHING quit dealin' with stupid people that talk shit behind your back about you, they're not worth ANYTHING at all. I love you booooo! Thanks for being such a goos friend and maid of honor!

the world will just not be understood with silence. it cannot be understood if everyone walked away from their issues and pretended that certain things exist while others don't. it cannot be understood with feuds, with cold shoulders, with little immature anonymous notes on blogs? everyone's been letting their voices out about everyone else; finally, all those minor annoyances that become major pain-in-the-ass events that've just been building up and up in our memories until, one extra touchy day when you're feeling in the mood for a bitch, all it takes is one meek yet brash question: do you actually like them? that's all it takes for everything to come out. through our words; spiked up a little here to make it sound more dramatic, twisted a little bit there to make it look like you were the victim. and ta. your subject of bitching has become a some what bad guy i wonder how many people you've exchanged flaws with about me?and i wonder how many of the same words have been repeated, reiterated, emphasized, discussed. hypocrite, flirt, goody-goody, suck-up, lecturer, preacher, self-centered, insensitive, rude, spoiled, incapable, "can't do anything", overly jealous, overly paranoid, overly aggressive, i feel like making one of those forms that respondents have to fill out for interviews or work or something. please tpick one (or more) that you feel is a problem of my attitude. at least something i won't have on my list is denial.